(This is just an addition to an idea I picked from my current reading: The Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky)

Quite off from the subject whether a crime is influenced by the environment, Raskolnikov (The main character of this novel or Dostoyevsky in this case as the brain of this idea) was more concerned of the people in the society in which a crime occurred. According to him, there are the inferior people and the superior people in society.

(I must make a definition of the crime itself before I would continue. A crime is, so said by (both Raskolnikov and) Dostoyevsky, an act that doesn't go along with the positive law in a certain area and upset the order of things. Overstepping the door's frame - I added freely.)

The inferior is conveyed as those who submit to law, the law-abiding people, conservative to changes of the law and do their daily life and activity without even once transgressed it. Live by the rules of everything. The followers. While the other kind of people called as the superior (Though in his book Dostoyevsky didn't even once conclude this kind as 'superior' yet I took the liberty to name them, as merely the opposite adjective word to the first group.), those who are in perpetual move towards the better and ideal living they have (and obstinately believe) in their minds. And in order to get to what they dreamed as a better and ideal living, they make such actions which transgressed the ruling law. Overstepping the door's frame. To which from doing so the doers are 'criminals' for their society.

At any given time, 'criminals' - to whatever violation they did to the law, would meet consequences of their actions. Extensively Dostoyevsky mentioned the names of Kepler and Newton, two people who defied the positive 'law' about science in their times (I am reminded of Galileo as well) and Napoleon, Mohamet, (and again I am reminded of Jesus and Buddha and many other great visionary leaders) who defied the positive ruling law also in their own times, as those in the second group. I don't find the necessity to recall, those who read history may not need to be reminded of the consequences those people received, even those who don't read must have known it - it was quite famous by the way.

Yet, after hundred of years, like say today, would you still call those people who had terrific ideas of a better living as criminals? Dostoyevsky managed to elude this heating subject (and the consequences) by saying how to see it depends on the dimension. Or the purpose of the action, I may add. Or time, perhaps? See, if you were the people in that society at that time, would you be able to see the purpose/the dimension/the goodness of it? What I found as not a shock was that it would always only then after years people started to notice the goodness which the Superior brought to society. And only by that time, the superior (prior: the criminals) becomes the ruler of the inferior.

So may I infer?

Crime or not, superior or inferior, criminals or saints, the time would only bring justification by presenting the result to each action. Let's not label anything too haste. Those consequences which were taken at that time as the reaction to the action done by the Superior I must say were only appropriate things to do - with the emphasize on "at that time". It's not even the issue. In the end, as those two group would always be in the society and as changes are inevitable, it is up to you to choose sides. Would you say "vive la guerre eternelle" until the New Jerusalem or stay put and live your life as it is?

Would you be the follower or would you the 'criminal'?

Nobody could be in between though. And nothing is without its own consequences.

Since the early age, I write better than I speak. I can say anything on my mind in written, but whenever I have to speak up I suck. In the crowd, if I am not drunk I am always this little reserved girl who observes. Not to forget my incapability to speak clearly - The braces I had 5 years ago (for 5 years) disabled me from freely pronounce the correct words, my voice is so tiny, and always get jumbled because the mind is faster than the tongue. Thus my fear of presenting myself verbally.

Interviews, presentations, even explaining myself to the doctor whenever I am sick - All of them dreaded me. I always found a way to sneak out from the scheduled presentation in the class, not because I have not done the subject, but because I was so afraid talking in front of the class! Funny that my work requires me to excel in public speaking. Not that I flunked each time, it is just I need more of preparation to speak rather than the preparation of the presentation. That is tiring. And petrefying.

My boyfriend, one of those who don't have problems with public speaking, invited me to join Toatsmaster here in Jakarta. He said there I would be meeting alot of new people from different backgrounds. I would be talking in front of them about anything. And it would be fun! He said. I fainted sometime between the 'new people' and the 'talking in front of them'.

I was a hopeless case.

Knowing my greatest social weakness, I became very concern that this would cause problems. I need to be able to speak up. And so I started to browse for books that taught about Public Speaking. One of the books which made the biggest impression on me was the book Larry King wrote. He said (not exactly word per word) that everyone, no matter who he is in other place, does the same thing as you - In each morning he puts on his pants in the same way you do, one leg to another leg and that is not a pretty picture. Means that he is a person too! Same as you are! So just talk! Pretty much he said that.

I also bookmarked her website since she is so inspiring.

Reading much, writing much, I supposedly have known much now. All that needs to be doing is talk. Next week I have a presentation in the class. I need to presenting a case of an old lady. That will be the right time to practise my enlightment. By having in mind that all of them who will be there wearing their pants one leg to another leg, and I know almost everyone there, I hope I will not shudder or stammer or nervous or anything stupid.

As I am writing this, the thought of doing a presentation came back as the mirror I do not want to see. I start to shudder now. So many negative what-ifs occur.

Next week is only few more days.

I am starting to perspire.

...

Whoever say "It is easy to talk" or "talk is cheap" after reading this post, they must be out of their mind.

My dad loves to experiment with herbs he planted on the backyard. Recently he is crazy about a plant called "Mahkota Dewa" (Phaleria macrocarpa). There are many on our backyards as he believes the plant is good to cure so many illness. It is said the fruit contains Alkaloid (For detoxification), Saponin (For immunity from viruses and bacteria, surpresses the sugar level in the blood, and reduces blood cloth), Flavonoid (For reducing bad cholesterol, as anti inflammation, as anti oxydant, etc) and Polifenol (For antihistamin/anti allergy). Also, in the articles I found the fruit is also believed to cure rheumatism, and empirically cured cancer. 

He collects the fruit, he cuts them and dries them under the sun. Once they are dried enough he puts in the storage to occasionally drink the herb the way you make tea. He is so smug about it. He brags about the herb manages to bring back his black hair, his smoothened skin and so on and so on. I read it too somewhere about the things he told me - and I believe him.

But then his experiment continued to the core of the fruit. He dried them too and collected them in a jar. He said he ate them and his digestion went so well he started to believe it was good for detoxification too. He influenced me to give it a try. I ate two.

And so the agony of stomach ache I imagined giving birth to a child would be, happened to me. Endless pain along with diarrhea through the night. My head was throbbing as if it would split in two. I was never in such pain before. The pain I could imagine would only have existed in surgery. I could not sleep at all, I leaned on my stomach against the side of my bed - Put pressure on the aching part - till morning when finally the pain stopped.

Only when I have survived I browsed the internet to find the real function of the core. To my fainting shock, it was considered as poisonous that human was told not to consume it at all. In a research it was said that it stunted the growth of breast cancer cells - BUT Nothing was said to consume as in eating it! It is poisonous..it causes nausea, projectile vomiting, and specifically said it cures skin diseases so it was inedible.

Dad looked shocked too when he heard about this. He thought he was fine and the diarrhea was only a phase of detoxifying, and so it was safe for me to give it a try. He called me more often for the week after the incident. I know he was sorry he had me believed in eating the core of Mahkota Dewa. *Giggle* But that was just me and my dad. Each time he had a project going on he would have told me to try it and I would (without questioning) do that. We have the same curiosity of the greatness we could find from our surroundings, even if we have to put ourselves as the test subjects.

The update: Just because the articles said it was poisonous he doesn't stop from taking it or reading the progress on the research articles. He believes that by either putting it on the skin or taking it the core of Mahkota Dewa would be as good as the fruit in curing something. And though I have gone through hell by eating it I would try it once more. Something good might have come out of it..WE believe.

The look is good, I want to give it a try :)